The Secrets of a Muslim Teen.
Fifteen years in a Muslim household, yet I have thrown out all my teachings and accepted the “lesbian lifestyle.” (Note to readers: My mother can’t know!) I suppose I should start from the beginning, shouldn’t I? Well, from my coming-out story, at least!
I was barely 9 years old, and at a pool party (all-girls, of course) and my 10-year-old best friend who shan’t be named apparently had her first kiss and wanted to teach me how. So we kissed underwater in the pool so no one would see.
Yet, it was too conspicuous. We went into the bathroom together to “take showers.” That day, I had my first kiss. That day was my first French kissing experience. To be perfectly frank, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it a lot.
Being Muslim, however, I didn’t know what a lesbian was, but I know that what I did was wrong.
I did a lot wrong after that, also. I got a boyfriend, then another, then another, then another. If I sinned once, I could do it again, no problem, right?
I had put that experience out of my mind and never thought of it again until a girl – I’ll call her Mordecai – came into my life. 8th grade, and I was the new kid halfway through the school year, and she was the most “scene” girl I’d ever seen: pale skin, long black hair, heavy black makeup, rouge lipstick, piercings.
I was NOT going to be friends with a girl like HER. Because nothing ever goes as planned, I was assigned to sit next to her in “Intro to Art.” She was a class under me but somewhere along the line, she became like a sister to me. I went through boyfriends like clothes, and she was there for me during each and every crush and heartbreak.
I loved her… as a friend. Freshman year (so basically, last year), when we didn’t attend the same school anymore, we reconnected during Winter Break. She slept over at my house for an entire week.
I was dating this Cuban guy with really sexy hair at the time. One night, I was feeling particularly… frisky, for lack of a better word. We slept in my bed every night, wearing only our bras and panties.
Being in Miami, it gets really hot at night and that night, I couldn’t keep my covers on for the life me. I was sweating heavily but I finally fell asleep. I woke up to the most heavenly kisses I’d ever felt in my life. I’d never seen her that way before but that moment changed my life. I slept with her.
I broke up with my Cuban boytoy the next day and just cuddled with Mordecai. Being like sisters, my mother thought nothing of it. We hid our kisses, of course. She was so beautiful. Being much more informed about sexual orientations at that time, I was very much confused about my own orientation.
I couldn’t be lesbian, or even bisexual, could I? No way. How can I, NafisaKabir, the girl who absolutely LOVES being with guys, like females the same way? I couldn’t handle the thought.
I went back to school when it opened up again and because I’m that kind of girl, got another boyfriend. However, it just didn’t feel right anymore. Sure, I was a teenager, fickle and oftentimes promiscuous, and always with males; yet, something was missing.
Something had changed in me. So, I became best friends with, and fell in love with, a lesbian. Sleeping (over) with girls every weekend, with my mother and her prayer mat in the next room, nobody the wiser: Welcome to the story of my secret life!