Mixed signals about marriage lead to problems.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a year, and I think she’s really wonderful, but whenever I try to bring up the future she changes the subject. She’s said things to me when we’re in bed like, “Wouldn’t it be nice if we lived together?” and “You’re so good with kids, it makes me want to have them with you.” But when I try to have a conversation with her about it after we put our clothes on, she shuts me down. She doesn’t want to talk about it. Also, we are both 24. Are we too young to get serious? Should I cut my losses and move on? Or should I be more patient and try to work this out? — The Marrying Kind
Dipstick: Yahoo for her. Too many lesbians these days are rushing off to get married and have
babies. Your situation is very similar to one we deal with in our book. Follow these five simple steps and the answer will become quite clear to you: 1) Relax. Put it in perspective. You think she’s wonderful and you’re having a good time together. Celebrate that. 2) Talk to her. See if she even realizes that she’s giving you mixed messages. 3) Reflect on what she said. Did it make sense, or did she keep contradicting herself with a bunch of mumbo jumbo? 4) Talk to your friends. Is this a pattern for you, falling hard and fast and wanting to move in too quickly? If it is, your best gals will be honest with you. 5) Chill. You can beg and visualize and work all kinds of voodoo spells, but you can’t force someone to commit who isn’t ready to do so. Accepting where she is is just parDear
Lipstick: You’re so pragmatic, Dipstick. You’ve got a five-step process for everything. Marrying Kind, it is possible for you to have a serious relationship at 24 and you should always go after what you want with abandon (notice I didn’t say reckless abandon), but you must be careful here. I’m talking about with your heart. I worry that while you’re cooing in her ear about babies and pickets fences, she’s scanning the room for someone with larger boobs or a bigger bank account (aka someone who’s not you). Do you worry about this, too? The best advice I can give is to be patient and not push too hard—yet. A year-long relationship, believe it or not, is still pretty young. You should keep the lines of communication open, but don’t put unnecessary pressure on the situation. There will be a time for that (maybe in a year or so), but for now, play it cool. If she’s anything like me, she’ll be turned off by a beaver that’s too eager.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I’m a lesbian in the Army and I am what they call “on the way out,” which basically means my career with the military is done. I joined the Army at 22, so I had a few years of college and life under my belt. I have big dreams and my goal is to be a filmmaker. I’ve worked on a few scripts, I am an advanced video editor and my plan is to move to Los Angeles. I have had my fair share of dramatic relationships in the past and decided to be totally career-oriented. Then she happened…We met, we spent time together and bam—I’m in love. I fit better with her than anyone I’ve dated. Of course the problem is I have these big dreams and can’t exactly chase them if I stay here in Ohio with her. She is in college with big dreams of her own. We are both totally taken with each other, but afraid of getting in the way of the other’s main goal. Do I give it a try or focus totally on myself? Does it make me selfish if I have to hurt someone else to live out my dream? — Talented in Toledo
Lipstick: Who says you can’t have it all? Kick that notion to the curb. You’ll have to figure out logistics (like how you’ll manage a long-distance relationship for a while), but those are just details when it comes to something as massive as true love. You’ve met someone with whom you deeply connect, so do not choose your career over her. If you do, you’ll end up with a bunch of screen credits, but no one to share them with; success is much sweeter when someone’s holding your hand (especially if she’s smokin’ hot). And believe me, you can have both. As for your budding career as a filmmaker: rock on. After you’re done reading CURVE, go to your computer and pull up POWER UP’s website (power-up.net). Join this dynamic organization right away. They’re all about giving dykes the means to manifest dreams, while promoting the success of gay women in entertainment, the arts and media.
Dipstick: Talented lesbian, put that creative brain to work. You don’t have to move to Hollywood to work on screenwriting and video editing. Lipstick is working on a movie right now and she lives in Portland, Ore. Nose around for production companies in Ohio, or buy a camera and start producing movies of your own and post them on YouTube—get a buzz going. But if your dreams really are on Sunset Boulevard, talk your vixen into transferring to UCLA. Whatever you do, don’t sacrifice your dreams for a girl.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: Am I a lesbian? I live in Taiwan and have been married almost seven years, unhappily for the last two, and have been separated for months. I have had a girlfriend now going on six months. I’ve always been into girls, but I’ve never acknowledged it. Now I find myself not even attracted to men. Could this just be because my marriage is ending? Will I find myself attracted to men again? Am I finally becoming who I’ve been hiding? Or am I bi? I’m scared to even say that word, for my girlfriend is against bisexuals. She also says it’s too risky to be with one. Help! — Torn in Taipei
Lipstick: Yet another woman who is/was married dealing with repressed homo tendencies. Wow, there sure are a lot of you out there. Dip, maybe this should be our next book. First, Torn, try and relax. Think Zen thoughts. If you’re following your heart (and your pussy—sometimes it’s the only honest gauge), you’re on the right path. You won’t have answers for some time, so try and find peace without them. An old Chinese proverb reads: Muddy water let stand will clear. During the tumultuous times surrounding my own sexuality years ago, I kept this quote taped to my dashboard and found great comfort in it. Do the same and trust that one day the answers will slowly float to the surface.
Dipstick: Lip, let’s start working on that book right away. If we had an electoral vote for every time we’ve been asked that question, there’d be a big ol’ butch dyke living in the White House. Are you bi? Are you a dyke? You’re going to have to figure it out for yourself like the rest of us. As Lipstick says, take some time, journal, meditate, read coming-out books and get laid. Don’t let us tell you who you are, and don’t let your bi-phobic girlfriend tell you either. Listen up, lesbians: Bi girls are no more unfaithful than gay gals. Let 2008 be the year we lesbians stop bi bashing (and trans bashing, too).