Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: What is with lesbians who have special dietary needs—and put all their less evolved, meat eating, chocoholic, wheat bread and whole milk-loving friends through hell over it?
Case in point: I went out with my special-needs-diet friend to listen to music. She wanted to eat out, but I told her I had already eaten and was just interested in the music and hang-out factor. I’d been through this food thing once before with her and didn’t want to deal with it again. She arrived late, hadn’t eaten, got bored immediately and expected me to go out to dinner with her. Accommodatingly, I said, “Where shall we go, because I can find something to eat anywhere?” This decision took 45 minutes with a lot of, “Let’s just go to your favorite place and I won’t eat because I usually just cook at home.” What the fuck? Why can’t lezzies just sink their teeth into a nice juicy hotdog? — Fed Up With the Finicky Females
Lipstick: Oh, I can—and do—love me some beef! I don’t get it either, Fed Up. I feel your pain, as I, too, get peeved when someone can’t make a decision or always lets me decide on things. Regarding the food issues, however, I think what’s going on with your friend has little to do with what she does or doesn’t eat. Instead, she’s struggling with something beneath the surface. Does your friend really know who she is? Is she often closed-minded? Does she exercise compulsively? Regardless of where her issues stem from, it’s your choice to be in this friendship, and if she really drives you that crazy, why do you spend time with her?
Dipstick: Lipstick, you are so intolerant of those with special food needs. How many times do I have to tell you that I’m a vegetarian before you stop suggesting barbeque? Fed, the issue here is not what your friend does or does not eat, but how she uses it to manipulate you—and how you’re letting yourself be manipulated. People like her will use many excuses to get their way: supposed phobias, illnesses, a dislike of Brad Pitt films. They are no fun to be around and think they’re better than you. I would never leave good music to go watch a friend not eat. Stand up for yourself and your friend’s bland diet will stop eating at you.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I have a very personal question to ask. I’m 39 and I’ve been out since I was 15. I can talk to anyone, make just about anyone laugh and feel at ease. I have been told I am charming, cute, confident, adorable and very smart. I am not unattractive or living in an alternate reality. My problem is that I am very sexually insecure. I want nothing more than to meet women and have very passionate sex. It’s not an issue of not knowing what to do and nothing really offends me sexually. You know how most people can say, “The best sex I have ever had was…”? Well, I don’t have that story. I haven’t been sexually molested or been in an abusive relationship. I have simply left relationships feeling like I did not satisfy my partner. This has always been an issue, but it’s actually getting worse. At this point, I can’t comfortably kiss another woman without my brain saying, “You are terrible at this and she is getting nothing out of what you are doing.” Any advice? — Stuck in Lousy Loverland
Dipstick: Lipstick is the queen of affirmations, so she’ll tell you to look in a mirror and repeat to yourself over and over that you’re a good kisser. Me, I’ll tell you that you’re looking at it all wrong. If you’ve had sex, then certainly one of those times was “the best.” Porno movies aren’t real. Neither are those stories your friends are telling you. Our culture puts so much pressure on us to have amazing sex. Just today, in my inbox I have an invitation to have sex with a pretty Russian girl, products to make sex with my wife really amazing and seven ways to grow a really big cock. Would there be a market for these products if everyone really were having amazing sex all the time? The real problem is, you’re spending so much time worrying about yourself and your performance that you’re not paying attention to your partner’s erotic call-and-response. The next time you’re making it with a girl, turn your mind off and close your eyes. Take in her essence and follow her energy, her lips, her sighs. Shakira says it best: “Hips don’t lie.”
Lipstick: Lezzie up! Instead of repeating affirmations, why not kiss yourself out of this rut? Go to the girl bar on Saturday, hop on the dance floor and make out with as many women as you can. A word of warning: Watch out, dykes can be territorial and this may spark a girl fight if you’re not careful (work your magic in dark corners). You need to get your chops back, Lousy Lover, so start by mounting that horse and riding it like you’ve never ridden it before. Relax and let your body lead you. Nervous Nellys make for clumsy lovers. Breathe in, breathe out, believe in your powerful libido and you and your lover will both go places you’ve never been before.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: My best friend, who’s an ex-lover, and I just graduated from college and have been living together for the past five years. Until recently, neither one of us had any serious relationships since we’d been with each other. She’s had a new girlfriend for a little over a month.
As much as I want to be happy for my best friend, I find it very hard to hear about her relationship. I also don’t like to be around them when they are together because I don’t like to see them holding hands or kissing. It makes me feel sad inside and weird. I also don’t like it when her girlfriend spends the night because all they do is stay in her room and it makes me uncomfortable. I never used to feel this way about her. Now I feel as though I want to be the one holding her hand. Do I still have feelings for her, but just never realized it until now? Or am I just feeling this way because it is an awkward situation? Should I tell her about my feelings?
— Bummed Out BFF
Lipstick: You know that saying “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer”? Well, you should never substitute ex-girlfriends for enemies. This is a dangerous trap, ladies, and it’s the reason many dykes end up in the vicious ex-lover labia loop, where they’re in and out of the same dead-end relationship for years, and why it can take a decade to break up a three-month fling, all the while—I might add—breaking hearts in between. My advice on this situation is standard: Respect the thin line between friend and lover and never shack up with your ex. Pack up your stuff, BOBFF, and hit the road.
Dipstick: Oh, Bummed Out, have I been in your shoes! I once dated a sweet softball player named Rhonda and after the season was over, I broke up with her to fool around with Patty the Paramedic. The thing with Patty never went anywhere, of course, and a few months later I saw Rhonda out at the bar dancing and drinking with a new flame. Instantly, I decided that Rhonda was the one for me and I would do anything to win her back. So, of course, I did. And a few months after that, I remembered all the reasons I’d broken up with Rhonda in the first place. So, take a good long look at the relationship and think about the reason you two stopped being lovers and became friends. And while you’re at it, go have a meaningless fling to take your mind off what’s going on behind closed doors.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: My partner and I have been in a committed relationship for 18 years. I want something new. The same ol’ same ol’ is really lame at this point — Asleep at the Wheel
Lipstick: Stop the insanity, people! If you’re unhappy, do something about it. When you have a dream, make a plan and take the steps to get there. Hate your life? Get a new one. Stuck in a loveless or sexless relationship? Get into therapy to fix it or stop the bleeding. Asleep at the Wheel, 18 years is a long time to be passively resigned to complacency, so I bet you’ve been driving blind for years. Take control of your life and start living the one you’ve imagined today. No more excuses.
Dipstick: Lipstick, chill out. She’s just asking for sex advice. Visit Goodvibrations.com and pick out a few new toys, a sex book and a video or two. That should help get you out of your pothole.