I’m feeling blindsided and betrayed and having a hard time getting over her. Do you have any advice?
Dear Dr. Frankie:
Recently my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. It was very sudden and I was totally blindsided. She said she wasn’t in love with me, but yet she spent all her time with me. She took me to meet her family and accepted all the love I gave her.
She admitted she should have spoken up earlier, but she couldn’t and now I’m feeling very betrayed and having a hard time getting over it. Do you have any advice?
– Sierra
Dear Sierra:
First off, I’m sorry this happened to you. I can’t even imagine being with somebody for two years, trusting her and having a lot of love for her, and then suddenly, she has vanished or evaporated from my life.
I appreciate you submitting this question and I know other women can definitely relate.
Unfortunately, this happens.
It’s very painful and it’s going to take you awhile to get over this. I don’t have any quick remedies or suggestions for you.
You need to take time right now to let go of some of the pain, take loving care of yourself and be around people who love and support you.
There are a variety of resources I can direct you to, including my blog where I discuss various methods for getting through break ups as well as how to care for yourself.
Also, I’m always a fan of getting some good solid therapy during painful times like this. He/she can help you navigate all those feelings of resentment, anger, guilt and sadness in moments when you’re feeling hopeless.
A friend of mine, who just went through a painful breakup, swears by a book called, It’s Called a Breakup, Because It’s Broken. Not only will the tales of “You think YOUR break up was bad….” help put your own breakup in perspective, but their answers to the numerous plaguing questions we ask ourselves after a break up (“Doesn’t she miss me?”) can help provide guidance.
I also think you need to take some time to figure out what you may have missed in the two years you were together. I’m not saying you definitely DID miss something, but I would wonder myself….
Were there signs she wasn’t in love with me? Indications that her feelings had changed? What was I not seeing?
Sometimes, when we are afraid of losing somebody we love, or afraid of feeling the difficult feelings, we dig our head in the sand, like an ostrich and try to avoid really what’s going on.
It’s called denial. It’s a defense mechanism, and it can protect us during moments when things are too painful or overwhelming. It can also prevent us from actually seeing what’s really in front of us–the stuff that we have to deal with.
It’s important as you move forward in your life, and in your future relationships, to figure out how to stay very present and when things come up, be aware of them–And talk about them. I would guess that things came up, way before two years, that maybe were just too afraid of confronting or maybe you didn’t see because you were denying they existed.
Again, I’m very sorry for your loss and thank you again for submitting your question. Best of luck to you.
Take care,
– Dr. Frankie