For anyone who’s feeling lonely, confused, lost or afraid, this blog is for you.
Never have truer words been spoken about coming out than no matter how many gay mates you’ve got, or how fervently you support the LGBT community, it’s different when it’s you.
Coming out to the people I love, when I finally plucked up the courage to do so, was blissfully easy after the excruciating years I’d spent trying to deny the truth to myself, to manhandle Pandora back into her miserable box.
I developed debilitating anxiety; terrible headaches; panic attacks on the tube, at home, at work, on the sofa; sleep convulsing with nightmares that woke me, drenched in sweat, in the small hours. In my darkest hours I’d imagine that I’d always feel this way, pounding the streets of London like a wraith.
At my first session with my counsellor she said the word “lesbian” and I winced. I mumbled, steeped in shame, that I was a bit confused about my sexuality and she replied in her gentle, understanding way that we didn’t have to use labels.
“Sexuality is a spectrum and where we are on that spectrum can change over time. You don’t have to label yourself if you don’t feel comfortable doing that.”
In that room I could voice the fears that had blackened my thoughts for so long. Nothing anyone could say to me could be worse than the terrible things I’d said to myself in the months and years before I came out. My counsellor encouraged me to explore my feelings in my own time, opening doors and waiting quietly for me to walk through them. She taught me to recognise my fears – and stare the fuckers down.
Every day I felt a little lighter and more hopeful that maybe, one day, the anxiety would fall away like a bad dream. And eventually, slowly, it did. I told my friends and family and they were surprised but loving and accepting as I always knew they would be. I feel incredibly lucky now to have so many people who’ll shriek with laughter at my bad date stories and cheer me on when I meet someone great, but for a long time I felt horribly, painfully alone.
So for anyone who’s feeling lonely; for anyone who’s confused or lost or afraid; or for anyone who’s just curious about how it really feels to date women: this blog is for you.
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