DIVA’s sex & relationships expert gives a “playa” the red card.
Dear Hot Stuff,
I've been living with my girlfriend of three years and her two straight friends for the past year and a half. It's an arrangement that suits me since I spend most of my time working to provide for myself and my student girlfriend. Over the last two months though, I've got closer to one of the girls who we live with, who has a rep for being a bit of a man chaser.
We often go out drinking and she loves pretending we're together for laughs. It's never amounted to anything and never really bothered me until the night when someone came out with the "prove it" line and she proceeded to force her tongue into my mouth! I was shocked and confused but I enjoyed it.
We've already kissed during drinking games when my girlfriend was present and she didn't really care. I don't think she would really have minded if I told her about the kiss, but I somehow didn't and that made it into a secret. The friend and I didn't really speak about it so I dismissed the whole event as her looking for attention on a night out. Since then though, we've been on more nights out and had a good many very close shaves! The closest one had to be the time I woke up next to her in the morning in nothing but my underwear. It was a bit confusing, but after admiring her perfect bum in french knickers, I could recall nothing but some innocent spooning.
At the beginning I just thought I would have fun with the situation and see how far I could play around with it. This isn't really like me but now I feel I've become too involved… She gets angry when I dance with guys or girls now on nights out now! I once joked about how I like to get straight girls to fall for me and she told me that it was definitely working on her. She's moving away in two months and I don't want her to go, but nor do I want a relationship with her. I love my girlfriend but there isn't much excitement between us anymore. Going out with this friend has made me relive the fun of a new relationship and reminded me of being young.
I don't want to leave my girlfriend because I want to be with her for the rest of my life, but all this business has made me question things. I feel like I'm trapped in a relationship that is too serious and came too soon. I wish it could have come in five years' time when I'm ready to settle down.
Sarah from Plymouth
Dear Playa from Plymouth,
I've toyed with the question of whether I should call you 'playa' or not and I've decided to do so; don't take it the wrong way. I know that the word 'playa' can have negative connotations, but here I'm using it in the sense of 'you've been playing around…' as you say yourself.
Now that's been cleared up!
Playa, basically everything that you're telling me is pretty normal. This kind of confusion is a natural consequence of 'playing' away whilst being in a relationship. Let's just make it clear that I'm not judging you here; heck, I'm sure we've all been there, but I'm of two minds about what I should be telling you.
A part of me thinks that one should never play around because we end up in precisely this sort of confusion and anguish, questioning your relationship and what you want. A part of me thinks that the very fact that you were capable of playing around reveals deeper issues at play in your relationship with your girlfriend. I'm one of those traditionalists that thinks that when you're genuinely happy and satisfied with someone, it's just not something that allows oneself to do.
What to do next is entirely up to you. Use this opportunity to ask yourself pertinent questions about your relationship, about whether you want it to continue or not, about whether you think that the way in which you have behaved is how you would like your girlfriend to behave with you? I don't necessarily think you should tell her (when one thinks about it, there's not really much to tell), but use this as a trampoline in order to assess your current situation. There's a massive difference between saying that you want to be with someone forever and saying that the relationship came along too soon.
Good luck!