Just because she left you doesn’t mean she’s gone for good.
So, you lost your girl. Getting her back isn’t going to be as simple as going to the lost and found department—it’s going to take work. Love is a gamble and when it comes to breakups, you have to roll the dice to see if she is still in your game. If it is your third or your 30th breakup, you may have to get more creative in your approach.
Let Your Fingers Do the Walking The most common reconciliation tool in the book is the drunk dial. Getting her back in your life (and bed) may be as simple as making an inebriated phone call and apologizing for whatever you did to chase her away. Maybe you’ll have to make amends for whatever she thinks you did. The alcohol is for courage and to provide much-needed lubrication, allowing you to swallow your pride, your integrity and your common sense.
Network Back Into Her Heart Stalk her haunts, like her favorite bookstore, club, restaurant and Brazilian wax shop. Pop up on her dates with new people and join them for dinner and drinks. Tweet her. Friend her on Facebook, MySpace and any other virtual hangout she frequents. If she denies your friend requests, send them to all her friends. Sooner or later, you’ll open the back door to her heart. Post self-indulgent, poetic blog entries using her first and last name. Rhyme the word “love” with “dove” and make her see how serious you are. Find her ads on dating sites and answer them using assumed names. Once she is hooked into you because of your romantic emails, surprise her with your photo and a message indicating that you have proven she really does want you. She won’t mind the deception at all. Remember, nothing says, ”I Love You” like being served a restraining order.
Go Cutting Edge Surely, your ex is obsessed with perfect good looks. Don’t stop at a new haircut when you can get a nip and tuck to appeal to her superficial needs. While you’re going under the knife, you might want to get a lobotomy to change your personality. Let’s face it, whatever it is that wedged itself between you two is still going to be lodged there, even if you go up two cup sizes. You may need to get a frontal lobectomy so that you can become someone she will love. Maybe a drooling, vacant doofus with junk in the trunk is more her style. I mean, it worked for Lindsey Lohan, didn’t it?
Care Enough to Send the Very Best A card just won’t do it, so scouring the drug store aisles for that super-sappy Hallmark sentiment is a waste of time. Do not fool yourself. Cupid wears brown and drives a delivery truck. What you send is crucial. Flowers die. Candy will make her fat. Sure, you can send something shiny to her in a baby blue box. But why not just cut to the chase and send her a dozen boxes of your personal checks? Then, she’ll know you are on the same page.
15 Minutes of No Shame All she needs is to see you at the height of your 15 minutes of fame to remember how much she misses you. Your ex needs to see you cooking, drinking, cutting hair, grooming dogs or vying for the hand of a beautiful transgender or bisexual woman. If you can find a show where you are a nanny beating down tweens while bonding with their emotionally absent father, her hardened heart will melt and she’ll be calling your cell in no time. If she doesn’t, a talent agent surely will. You will get your own reality show in which you put your ex-girlfriend’s new girlfriends through a series of physical, mental and emotional challenges. By sweeps week, you’ll be breezing your way right back into her life.
If Music is the Food of Love…Make Her Choke on It! You are just one bridge and refrain away from winning her back. Go old-school and make her a mix tape (OK, a mix CD from your iTunes collection.) Be sure to include “Every Breath You Take” and “I Want You Back” by N’Sync or the Jackson Five. Stand in front of her condo, holding up a boom box, playing an ’80s anthem and singing karaoke-style. Duck the flying objects from your detractors until she relents and lets you in, just to shut you up.
Build a Monument to Your Love Rent a billboard to display the New Year’s Eve photo of the two of you smooching. Sculpt a statue and set it outside her office. Spray paint your enduring love on the overpass right next to the EVOLVE message. There is no such thing as “too big” when it comes to winning her back. At the very least, it will propel her to move away to escape the embarrassment and therefore, allow you to let her go.
If all else fails, you might just want to do what most lesbians do after a breakup: Date her ex-girlfriends. She’ll be running back faster than you can say, “reuse, recycle and reduce.”