Being gay is not easy that’s for sure. I asked on my Facebook page what my readers might like to hear about for my next blog and one of my friends asked ‘Did you have any negative reactions when you came out?’
The answer to that is, I actually don’t remember. I really don’t think so, or if I did it wasn’t to my face! Maybe I will elaborate a little so my blog isn’t just a couple of sentences.
My family was so supportive. I think my Mum had put it all together before I actually had come out but hadn’t actually said anything to me. Amber had been spending a lot of time at our house (I was still living at home) and we had been seeing each other for around a month when one day Amber was over when my sister came to visit, she came in to my room to meet Amber and I absent-mindedly stroked her arm.
Amber freaked out after my sister had left the room and had said ‘she knows now!’ she was so embarrassed that she decided to go home right then! A little while later my sister came in and said ‘so… is she your girlfriend?’ I was horrified and instantly burst into tears and said NO! Followed quickly by me saying Yes! I felt so sick! My sister didn’t say anything to my Mum and I think actually came out for me the next day over the phone.
Mum came into my room after talking to my sister and said ‘Its OK, I always knew’ I will say just now – why do parents say that?! YOU COULDN’T HAVE TOLD ME EARLIER? I know she couldn’t really have told me earlier, because what if I never came to terms with it all until much later? I had to find out for myself when I was ready. I have met plenty of people and my ‘gaydar’ has gone off, but I would never out them or ask directly until they came out themselves – especially when they have been so young or in a straight relationship.
I think I was very lucky not to get any negative reactions to my face from friends or family. There were definitely some surprised faces though, that’s for sure! It took me a while to actually come out to a lot of people – I think a lot of them didn’t know until around six months later, just before my 21st birthday party. Only people I saw regularly knew the truth. I wouldn’t be shocked if I heard people gossiped about me behind my back but I know that is normal and these days (eight years later) I really couldn’t care less what people think.
Yes, I still do get embarrassed outing myself to some people. When I first came out I barely had to ‘out’ myself unless it was necessary. Even now there are certain people who I think don’t need to know and wouldn’t go shouting it out and about everywhere but I have now come out to plenty of parents at work that I have formed bonds with, but I am not going to go and put a sign on the front door of the centre saying ‘Leah is gay, and by the way her partner works here too!’
I didn’t like stares and questions when I first came out, but these days I have accepted it myself and that has made is so much easier to be myself. These days if someone was negative about it, I would tell them to their face that I didn’t like it – or get them out of my life. If you don’t like me for the 100% me that I am – then I don’t need you in my life.
Funnily enough on a slightly different subject, last week I had organised to see someone who I hadn’t seen properly since I had come out. I was freaking out! She was coming to my house and was connected to my ex’s (a guy) family! I was seriously almost sick with nerves! She came and spent about half an hour and it was a little strange but was SO good to catch up with her. I need to not let me being gay stop me from seeing people from my past – I shouldn’t have anything to be worried about. My 10 year high school reunion is coming up though, that’s a WHOLE different thing. That requires a lot more thinking about!