Having begun the journey toward becoming my authentic self, I can more easily look back and reflect upon all that has led me to this point of no return
Somehow I have always known who I was inside, but fully acknowledging and embracing that reality has taken a lifetime. Now, having begun the journey toward becoming my authentic self, I can more easily look back and reflect upon all that has led me to this point of no return…
For too many years, I lived my life attempting to be someone I knew I could never be. That has cost me a great deal emotionally and in my personal relationships, but with introspection and hard work, most of that damage has been fully repaired.
I am now older, wiser, a little less innocent and much more fulfilled than before. My true reflection is beginning to shine through at long last. The person I was then and who I am now are one and the same, and yet they are not perfect mirror images of each another. Some things will never change; other aspects of myself have been irrevocably transformed for the better.
The process of uncovering the truth and emerging into the light goes back about thirty years, when I first realized that I felt attracted to some of my female classmates as much as, if not more so than, to my male counterparts. During my junior and senior high school years, that emotional and physical desire for a special connection with a woman again asserted itself as I came to know, love and respect several of my female teachers, as well as a few of my closest friends.
For me, the lines between friendship and love have always been blurred to the point of being almost indistinguishable, except on close examination. In my teenage years, my emotional pain ran very deep when I could not adequately comfort, assist or “rescue” my dearest female friends in their times of sorrow and need. I believe that I poured out as many tears for them as for myself, if not more.
Yet something compelled me to go on searching for a male partner, so much so that my travels took me to distant, exotic lands. What was I trying to prove, and to whom? Many people surely perceived me as running away from something, and yet to me it seemed as if I were actually running toward something elusive-a glaring moment of truth and enlightenment which was taking quite a long time to present itself to my conscious mind.
Over the years, I undeniably experienced attraction to those of the opposite sex, but now I clearly see that those feelings, although intense at times, were also passing and, therefore, not meant to blossom. Additionally, there has always been a big part of me which is very uncomfortable with the traditional “dating game”, so to speak, and I have often retreated to the safety of my inner world to protect myself from the discomfort of having to respond to men who have asked for my telephone number or invited me out on a date.
Even in those instances when I felt somewhat close to a male friend, there was always a woman somewhere in the background, quietly but insistently calling out to me with her warmth, gentleness, strength and compassion, compelling me to pause and wonder what was happening to me. In my mid-twenties, I finally began to half-listen to that call, that inner longing for genuine intimacy of the closest, most meaningful kind.
Old friends, as well as a few new ones, made me pause to ponder the question of whether I might possibly be bisexual…or even lesbian. However, it would take many more years before I could comfortably accept and integrate my sexuality into the rest of my life, not to mention disclosing it to others.
I cannot say that I was ever “confused” about my sexual orientation, although some may have thought so. In my experience, the dilemma was not so much a question of confusion as a need for a strong, decisive stance regarding who I wanted to be for the rest of my life.
One thing I knew for certain, even in my early twenties, was that I could never choose to be married to a man without first exploring a relationship with another woman. At the time, that was not something I was ready to admit to anyone but myself, and even that limited self-awareness was still not easy for me to confront or accept.
So, for several more years, I continued to “pass” for straight and hoped that I wasn’t transparent enough for my secret to be discovered. My family suspected nothing of this, and even my closest friends had very little, if any, perception of what was going on in my interior world. W
ith every passing year, my sense of urgency to find out who I truly was became stronger and more persistent. Unknown to all, I silently endured the pain of love which was not returned by the women in question. In my early thirties, while studying social work and counseling theories, I learned of the unusually high suicide rate among young people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or questioning (LGBTQ). Still, this stark reality was not enough to propel me forward into the unknown.
That opportunity did not come until I was thirty-five years old, in late January of 2009. It was then, on a cold wintry night while sitting alone at the computer in my Long Island apartment, that I took the first tentative steps toward freedom. It was then that I finally connected with the lovely young woman who would change my life forever.
I should mention here that I happen to be totally blind, a fact that is important to my story but does not completely define me as a person and has always seemed like the least of my challenges. So, back to my unfolding story: On that January evening six years ago, I knew intuitively that the time had finally come for me to face my fears, discover the truth about my identity and then gradually start to allow others into my previously hidden world. Not that this moment of realization was so clear and articulate…far from it. But something definitive had stirred within me and compelled me to reach out and embark on this most difficult journey.
To that end, I searched online for a Website where I could connect and interact with like-minded ladies as pen pals, friends, and possibly more. I perused the numerous profiles, fully aware that what I was doing was very unlike me and could have life-altering implications if I chose to let that happen.
After much searching, I suddenly noticed the profile of a young woman in Thailand…in fact, Ketsanee was ten years younger than I, a fact which I thought would prevent her from replying to my message if, in fact, I decided to send one. What’s more, she lived halfway around the world, and I was in no way purposely trying to make life more complicated than it already was! Even so, and without the benefit of seing her photo, I felt in my heart that there was still something very unique and special about this lady from Thailand, and my inner voice told me not to overlook her.
So I took what felt like a major risk and sent her a note to introduce myself via the lesbian Website. In doing so, I thought to myself: She’s ten years younger and she lives too far away. She’s not going to respond. However, just two days later, she proved me wrong, sending me a warm and welcoming message in reply to mine.
From that moment on, we knew in our hearts that before too long we would meet in person and become partners. Long before our first visit in person, we trusted our hearts and knew that a relationship of love was developing between us.
We conversed online for several hours almost every day for more than a year and a half, until I felt prepared to make the long journey to Thailand to see her. Even before that, Ketsanee had made more than one effort to obtain an American tourist visa, but always with an unfortunate outcome.
On the last day of August 2010, I set out on the day-long plane trip to Thailand, not knowing where this decision would lead me but fully aware that following my heart felt like much more than just a matter of choice. I simply could not say no to this strong and beautiful woman who had touched my heart so deeply in the twenty months since we had first met online. I could not go on with my life until I met her face to face and found out where that long-awaited meeting would lead us.
Ketsanee and her family were there to welcome me when I arrived at the international airport in Bangkok. She and I were both quite shy in our first fifteen minutes together, not quite knowing how to begin a conversation (or a relationship) with someone we already knew and loved on some level but had never seen in person until now.
After the initial shyness faded, there was no turning back. By the end of our two-week visit, we knew without a doubt that we were in love and did not want to live apart anymore. Leaving Ketsanee in Thailand and returning home to the States was perhaps the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in all my life.
She didn’t care that I could not visually see her-what mattered most to her was that she had found someone who loved the person inside, not the person that others saw on the surface. I, in turn, was delighted to have finally found someone-a woman, no less-who accepted, loved and respected me just as I was.
We never expected one another to change or to be anyone else. Of course, we had our differences, both cultural and temperamental, but the bond that was growing between us was becoming unbreakable and words no longer sufficed to express what we felt for each other. In fact, from the beginning, words had never been enough…
Once back home in the U.S., I experienced yet another moment of truth…one day, seemingly out of nowhere, a clear, startling thought came to my mind. I said to myself: I really love this woman. I have to go back to Thailand. So, in December 2010, I returned to Bangkok for one month and taught a few basic English classes while also spending as much time as possible with Ketsanee, who was busy with her job as a reporter but always had time, energy and love to share with me, too.
When the month came to an end, an idea was forming in my mind, but I didn’t share my thoughts with anyone just then…I needed time to process everything that was taking place, time to accept the truth that yes, I really was lesbian and wanted to share more and more of myself with this woman who meant everything to me.
Back home in America once again, I realized how much I already missed Ketsanee after being home for only three hours! It was then that I began to formulate my plan for the near future and to figure out how to reveal to family and friends exactly who I was and why I was making the decision to move to Thailand long-term.
Friends and relatives reacted with various shades of emotion: Some took it well; others visibly struggled to understand and accept that which was still unfamiliar and, consequently, a bit frightening to them. Not only was I now fully prepared to let those close to me know that I was in a committed lesbian relationship, but in the same instant I was also informing them that I planned to move halfway around the world to be with the woman I loved, at least until she could come to America.
In retrospect, I now realize how difficult my decision must have been for those close to me, and yet I also know that my choice to live in Thailand for a while and to fully embrace this very special relationship was the most authentic decision I have ever made. Getting the important people in my life to believe and accept that fact was quite another matter and required a great deal of effort on my part as well as theirs. But, as the saying goes, all is well that ends well.
My three years in Bangkok (May 2011 to April 2014) were filled with challenges, adjustments, significant self-discoveries and, most of all, vibrant new possibilities. Not only did I have the chance to teach English conversation to Thai students, which in itself was very rewarding, but I also worked with my partner to strengthen the foundation of our loving relationship so that it could withstand all pressures and potentially last forever.
When those three intense years of living, learning and loving in Thailand came to an end, it was with much sadness that I left Bangkok to return to my home country, and yet I was eager to settle down and begin life anew. The only problem was that no one knew if my girlfriend would ever be able to acquire a visa to live in the U.S. with me.
The months of separation as we waited for the results of the visa application were more painful than I care to remember. That chapter of my life is not one that I ever wish to relive, but in the end it was all worthwhile, since Ketsanee’s patience and perseverance ultimately led to success.
She took the courageous step of leaving her homeland, family and friends behind in order to begin her life with me in a completely new and unfamiliar setting and cultural context. She has now been here for more than a year and has accomplished a great deal in that short space of time.
We have been married partners for almost one year now. The road toward fulfillment of our dream was a long, tedious trek over uneven, rocky terrain, but that harsh landscape was made tolerable by the soft light and unending warmth of the loving relationship that we share.
My own journey of forty-one years has brought me to a place of acceptance, fulfillment and true peace, knowing that who I am now is who I was always meant to be-a lesbian who finds meaning, strength and great joy in loving and being loved by another woman.
I could never go back to who I was before, nor would I ever want to do so. With that reassurance, we can move forward as a couple, eagerly anticipating and facing together whatever joys and sorrows life has to offer us in the future. We do so with the hope that we still have at least forty more years to share with each other!