Leave it to someone else to bring the stick-on mustaches.
Everyone has had at least one in their group of friends: a lesbian who crosses over to the hetero side. Yes, I have been a witness to several friends making this leap, and I, of course, follow up the announcement with many, many questions. Sometimes what follows this leap is an actual wedding.
So, how do you go to a former lesbian’s wedding with class? Here’s a step-by-step guide:
- You get over the fact that one of the most beautiful lesbians in your group has chosen the “other side.” You don’t judge her, instead, you realize how happy she is and you get to know her future husband. Here, you find out that he is a pretty cool guy.
- You plan for months with your group of lesbian friends about what to wear. You then all decide that it would be fun, and slightly ironic, to wear dresses and high heels (even if you are the butchest girl in the world). You then go the extra mile and ask one of your femme friends to show you how to put makeup on.
- The day of the ceremony you and your group of friends gather outside of the church. You take note of the segregation: the conservative straights vs. the lesbians in disguise. You try your hardest not to notice.
- You support your friends as they feel a bit subconscious when trying to walk in their heels. You laugh when a friend asks if her makeup is smudged. You take the time to individually approach each friend to tell her how “pretty” she looks. You take several photos.
- You walk into the extremely conservative church and try to find a place where all 15 of you can sit together. You resist the urge to look at any of the guests as you feel all eyes upon you. Please note, this process may take anywhere from 8 to 12 minutes and it may involve sitting down, then having to move again. In the end, you may find yourself sitting in the front two pews.
- When your former lesbian friend walks down the aisle, you try your hardest to not tear up because you are not sure if your makeup is waterproof. You say to yourself: “She looks absolutely stunning.”
- During the ceremony you remind yourself to not hold your girlfriend’s hand. The priest will be speaking in a language that you do not understand, but you will feel twinges knowing that you are in a conservative church where being homosexual is not accepted. Don’t be surprised when some of your friends leave during the ceremony to prepare for the moment when the bride and groom exit the church doors.
- After the ceremony you race to the front door to greet the happily married couple with bubbles and balloons. Everyone in your group then talks about how they can’t wait to get to the reception for free food and alcohol.
- Located at a top-class vineyard, you walk into the reception feeling a bit out of place. You have a quick pep talk with your friends: “Tonight we will be on our best behavior.”
- After an hour you realize that all of the champagne is gone and you pray that you didn’t drink it all, but then you sigh in relief when you realize that there are 200 cases of red wine for you and your friends to drink. You then remind yourself: “Be on your best behavior.”
- After polishing off a few more bottles of wine with your friends, you realize that the bride’s best friend, who is having a really good time, is pulling out mustaches for everyone to wear. You come to terms with the fact that this activity is totally blowing your lesbian cover—then you realize that it doesn’t matter because you probably already did this.
- It turns midnight and everyone gathers on the dance floor. You remind yourself that you have never danced in high heels and a dress. You try your hardest not to fall and you feel good that your friends are there to catch you just in case you do. You then have a moment of clarity as you look around and notice that the bride is dancing on the dance floor too, surrounded by her mustache-wearing lesbian friends. You like this, you laugh and you secretly thank her for allowing everyone to freely be themselves…segregated or not.
- Two days later you look at all of the pictures and realize that thankfully, you were not the only one who lost a little dignity and pride that night. Then you realize that your former lesbian friend loves you anyway.