Read an excerpt from this hilarious and essential lesbian survival guide.
Do you like reading Lipstick & Dipstick in Curve? If so, how about a whole book of their useful, cheeky advice for your relationship?
Lipstick & Dipstick are proud to announce that their popular 2007 book (published by Alyson Books) has just been released as an ebook. Everything you need to know about finding and maintaining a successful lesbian relationship – and the treacherous traps to avoid.
Below is an excerpt from Lipstick & Dipstick’s Essential Guide to Lesbian Relationships, from the “Titties, Titles and Testing the Water” Chapter.
Your Bag of Old Tricks & Dicks
Sex toys from the past
Imagine this: So, you’re good and horny and the moment has come for you and your new hot thing to knock the boots. There are candles, there is sexy music and the mood is set. You’re ready. Then your new girl reaches under the bed, pulls out a black leather harness and a red dildo. You’re even more excited now and can hardly wait for her to get her hands on you. As she’s fastening the buckles, she’s giving you that loaded look. The big night is finally here! Then, as she’s checking to make sure the harness is secure, she winks and unfortunately opens her mouth: “I’ve had this Bad Boy for years.”
Boom! [Sound of inflatable raft loosing its air.]
Immediately, you begin to run through a mental Rolodex of all those exes you’ve seen pictures of around the house. Molly from Miami, who had a pet iguana. Ruthie from Rochester, the Dominatrix. And Bootsy from Beaver, Montana who now lives on a lesbian commune somewhere in Wyoming. They all enter the room as your new love is getting the straps tightened up…
Lipstick: Just what you wanted to hear, right?
I suppose there are worse things that your new girlfriend could do or say, but there aren’t many. Recycling your old sex toys—ones you’ve used with your ex and other lovers—is a definitely Homo No-No according to Lipstick. It’s a turnoff and it’s grody to the max.
Out with Vaginal Voodoo
Vaginal Voodoo: the juju that comes along with sex toys (etc.) you’ve used or associate with other people, especially another partner.
After you go through a breakup, before you start dating again, first, get rid of the Indigo Girls CD you listened to nonstop when you were going through the “transition,” and then, if you’re ready, pitch all your former sexual accoutrement, save one or two you can use for a little you-on-you action. And lube is okay to keep, unless you’re seeing someone who’s super insecure. Use your best judgment there.
When you’re going to have sex with your new girlfriend—one that you think is going to last—you’d best not use that old vibrator you and your ex buzzed into the ground. If you can afford it, pick up a new toy before you sleep with her. If it’s a one-night stand, old sex toys are fine. Vaginal Voodoo won’t matter. If it’s someone you really like, however, then be smart and keep your silicon sacred.
Dipstick: Lipstick, I disagree. For those of us trying to preserve the earth: reduce, reuse and recycle is our motto. That’s why our harnesses are not made of leather, but recycled bicycle tubes. Would you get rid of your bed, your sheets and repaint your room every time a new lover comes into your life? So why should you get rid of your sex toys?
Lipstick: Because you didn’t shove the mattress—thank god—in your ex-girlfriend’s pussy.
Dipstick: Maybe a working class butch had to scrimp and save for that red silicone pecker and she can’t afford to dump it every time a girl dumps her. Instead, there four ways to handle the reused love handle with tact and class:
1. Never mention the last girl you shared your silver ding dong with. Don’t even hint at it. Make love to her like it’s the first time you’ve ever been with a woman. Well, maybe not like that—you do want to turn her out, right?
2. Put a condom on that thing. This is important to prevent the spread any diseases, but a condom is also a psychological barrier, keeping the past lover’s energies from entering your new dame’s psyche.
3. Some butches view their “toys” as an extension of themselves while having sex. You wouldn’t suggest she get a tongue transplant or new fingers, would you? The dildo stays, too.
4. Let her know that this toy is for her and her only. Come on now, it doesn’t take Don Juanita to know that no matter what accoutrements you use or don’t use, you treat each and every new girl as if she were the only one special enough for you to take to this special place.
Romance her right and she won’t be thinking about the toy between your legs, rather the hot woman handling it.
Below is an excerpt from the “Dealing with the Unforeseen” Chapter.
The Out of Town Rule
Opening your relationship when out of town
Dipstick: The Out of Town Rule is when one of you is out of town, you can have an affair, as long as you never see this person again and what happens out of town stays out of town.
Some couples, especially those where one partner is on the road a lot agree to this set-up. It’s an open relationship with very specific boundaries. Dipstick thinks this could work very well, although she has never tried. How cool would it be to meet some hot girl at a conference, make out with her in her hotel room with no guilt and no commitments?
Lipstick: You’re really starting to sound like a guy.
Dipstick: There are variations on the Out of Town Rule. In some cases, only making out is allowed. In others, you can go all the way, as long as you use protection.
If you are one of those lesbians who travels a lot for work, talk to your partner about this, but not the night before you leave. Or worse, from the hotel payphone, while the hottie is in your room and ready to go!
If only one of you travels and the other is at home, she might get jealous and think it’s unfair that you get to mack on beautiful women, while she is left to clean out the litter box and sort your mail. If this is the case, you might need to send her out of town from time to time on Make Out Vacations.
Lipstick: I’m not sure what planet you’re living on, Dipstick, but down here in the real world, the lesbians and I have a message for you: you’re fucking crazy.
Sure, this may indeed be how some lesbian couples do it when one of them travels a lot, but the only reason it works is because the one at home doesn’t know about the arrangement. Dykes just can’t do this.
Women aren’t programmed this way. We are like swans; we’re very monogamous. Of course, with everything, there are exceptions—women who can have open relationships or make polyamory work—but now I’m wondering if they’re actually from the same place as you, Dip: Planet Poontang. (That was said with love for my poly friends!)
Dipstick: Say whatever you want, Lipstick, but my feet are planted right here on the earth.
Lipstick: I do believe “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”, but I just can’t see how women can fool around on the road and leave it there. Maybe I need some schooling, or an intensive detachment workshop from my girlfriend. While it would be fun—oh so fun—to make out with some Mistress in Manhattan, here are ten things I’d rather do than find out my wife had the mistress:
1. Shove a fork in my eye
2. Drink Windex
3. Eat nothing but Rocky Mountain Oysters for the rest of my life
4. Have an allergic reaction to lube
5. Join the church of Scientology
6. Watch Fox news
7. Be drug behind a semi truck
8. Have a colonoscopy
9. Chew my arm off at the elbow
10. Give Rush Limbaugh a Brazilian wax
Dipstick: What’s a Brazilian wax?
Lipstick: You and your big bush don’t want to know. It will give you nightmares.
Here’s some more of what you’ll find in Lipstick & Dipstick’s Essential Guide to Lesbian Relationships. Lipstick’s Quiz: Is She the One? The Top Ten Signs it’s Not going to Work. Ten Moves never to make in Bed. And More!
Suzanne Westenhoefer says, “Finally! What we’ve been missing from Oprah and Dr. Phil! Lip and Dip bring unflinching truth to gay gals who are in, near or want a relationship. And they drench it all with great gobs of humor.”
Order now for just $4.95. Also available on iTunes Be sure to poke around their new website, too! And, per usual, Lipstick & Dipstick’s advice booth is always open! Drop them a line when life throws you a Curve ball.