Lipstick and Dipstick give their advice on staying in a relationship that has fallen flat.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I’m finding out that the average lesbian relationship is finished after two years or less. Why is that? What happens in the lesbian community that causes relationships to sour after such a short time?
I ask because I’ve been in a relationship with Trina for two years and suddenly I’m lost, without my best friend, and virtually sex-less. Sex is a chore, and if we get around to it, it’s quick and lacklustre I remember when things were carefree, fun, exiting and new.
Now it’s like scooping the litter box: boring, and you always know what to expect…the same old shit. Today, I tried to touch my girlfriend she said, “Ewwww.” We’re both 35, so neither of us wants to waste our time. Is there any hope, or should I move on to a different kitty? — Pissed Off Pussy
Lipstick: Puss, since I’ve lived many lives (I’m on No. 86 now), I can tell you this: Romantic relationships are like the ocean—they ebb and flow, with good times and bad, sex-filled and sex-less. These tidal changes aren’t exclusive to Cunnilingus Cove. They happen just as often in Breeder Bay.
The big difference, however, is that with lesbians, there is no dick driving through the riptides like an icebreaker through Antarctica, no sexual intimacy to save the sinking ship. When lesbians hit choppy waters, we often head down into the galley, slide into bed alone and turn out the light. We couldn’t care less about sex. This is compounded by the fact that women’s bodies are enigmatic vessels. One moment we want the sex swing, the next we’d rather curl up and watch Oprah’s Lifeclass. The lesson here: Y
ou need to continue connecting with your girlfriend sexually, even when the sea is angry and there aren’t any fireworks. That means you’ve got to work harder, Puss, and focus on rediscovering each other!
Dipstick: Yes, there is something in the water in Sydney that makes relationships sour after two years. Can there be any other explanation as to why a charming lass such as you can’t maintain a lover’s interest? First, you equate what should be an intimate, sharing and bonding experience with a disgusting chore, and then you accuse your partner of being turned off.
Besides the idea that you might lack a certain romantic charisma, here is another reason why relationships fizzle. The first year is a whirlwind of sexual attraction—you’re sneaking kisses at the Opera House and taking long getting-to-know-you walks along the coastal walk to Bondi Beach. The second year, you start to settle in to your life together, getting a cute townhouse in Newtown and strolling arm and arm through the Marrickville Markets. As the third year approaches, you begin to ask yourself if this is the girl you’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with.
When you realize that answer is no, then you get the hell out of couple town.