Don’t let others sway your perception…
As my journey of becoming a man continues, I have experienced almost every emotion or feeling fathomable. From acceptance to rejection, excitement to terrifying doubt, and pure happiness to unbearable pain.
One emotion or feeling never fails to reside within me; genuineness. Even in my weakest moments, I am able to remind myself of who and what I am which has absolutely nothing to do with my gender, and that I am stronger than the negativity that is temporarily surrounding me. One of the most toxic experiences I have had thus far but have also learned a great deal from was an incurable and toxic relationship which actually manipulated me into believing that de-transitioning would have been the best decision for me. I was WRONG.
Dating can be incredibly difficult especially for transgender individuals. Although I am pursued quite often by men and women, it’s usually based off of curiosity or lust because I am so different and unique. I have been considered a “science experiment” if you will, and have been seen as an object rather than a human being. I have been rejected by several and have also had people try to convince me to change.
My most recent relationship was like this. In the beginning, everything was pure bliss. I have never felt so in love and cared for ever before. I thought that I finally found someone who not only loved me for who I was, but for WHAT I was. Unfortunately, as fast as the comfort and undeniable passion developed, so did the judgments and disrespectful nature of my partner. What was once accepted was now being pushed out.
For example, my masculinity was constantly mocked and belittled due to me being born female instead of male and that I would never truly be a man because of this. It was asked of me to dress feminine regularly, get my nails done, wear make-up and even act feminine primarily. I sincerely felt this person loved me for ME regardless of which gender I identified as so I assumed this individual would come to terms with my masculinity fully.
What most people do not realize about me is that my FEMININITY is a phase and my masculinity is predominantly what makes me, ME. Ever since I was a child I have always fed my masculine soul and will continue to do so. I allowed my ex boyfriend to convince me that I may in fact NOT be transgender after all. While he was falling in love with an image he was attempting to create, I was falling in love with an illusion.
I began to detransition. I started to wear heels more often and purchase feminine clothing rather than masculine clothing. I made it a point to have my nails done regularly and always applied even a little bit of make-up. I even started to act more feminine as the months went on. I went as far as taking all of my masculine clothes and accessories out of my closet and hid them! This went on for some time and now that I look back I am disgusted with myself for not embracing my self worth sooner. I slowly but surely became suffocated with the thought of being a woman for the rest of my life. (Duh!) Depression drastically seeped in along with frequent mood swings and promiscuous behavior. I was diverting from my true self, which is a young man.
Once I finally woke up from this nightmare, I confronted my partner and ended this poisonous relationship. I loved him more than the air I breathed and there is nothing in this world that I wouldn’t have done for him. What I fell in love with wasn’t what I expected because I was being manipulated by a narcissist. He was trying to mold me into his ideal girl, and in reality I could NEVER give him that. Ending the relationship was painfully difficult because of one thing- I am terrified of being alone.
That is my main fear about being transgender. I want to find love and happiness. I want to find someone who not only loves me but adores me, and adores me so much that the thought of not having me isn’t feasible. When I look into the eyes of my former lover I don’t see the man I first met. I see a weak and controlling abuser who selfishly took advantage of me for his own satisfaction and pleasure. I see a ghost, an empty space.
Once I left, I dragged my feet, blamed myself and even considered trying to make things work! What I quickly realized (thank God!) is that by me even considering to make things work meant that I felt dependent on his abuse. Yes! I became dependent on him to find happiness and that is wrong! I then understood what it was to finally find self worth and self respect. Having self respect is definitely one of the hardest things I have ever had to come to terms with, but it is so rewarding.
I started to participate in hobbies and activities to distract me from my heartache and I reconnected with several of my friends that I had been avoiding due to this time consuming relationship. I did a lot of soul searching and if I could give anyone advice from my experience it would be this:
- Never settle! It is better to be alone than to settle with someone just to fill a void. This is incredibly toxic and will ultimately set you back. Learning who you are and what truly makes you happy is something that needs to be done independently most of the time.
- Always remain authentic to yourself. The second someone makes you doubt who or what you are, run. That person who is making you feel this way doesn’t true love you and isn’t looking out for your best interests. They are enemies rather than supporters. Surround yourself with people who are a positive influence on you and who WANT for you, however you come.
It is okay to fail! What is most important is that you have the will-power and the strength to get back up and carry on. Transitioning is hard on its own and being in a nasty relationship can only make things harder. Always put yourself first and live for yourself. Once you truly love yourself, the perfect person for you will come around. Day by day, I am becoming the best man I possibly can be, and it’s because of this relationship I have realized who I truly am, which I am incredibly grateful for. With every negative experience is a positive outcome and the lesson I learned from this is to always remain GENUINE. Stay true.