This could get messy…
I'm sitting at a small two top table at Barnes & Noble. A copy of Curve magazine and US weekly to my left. A large cup of coffee on my right. My phone in my hands. Hope in my heart.
I guess I wanted to write about what I've thought about most lately. Especially, over the past couple months…heartbreak.
See, it all started back in 2010. My roommate at the time and I threw a house party. We invited some people we hardly knew, set out the Super Nintendo, and stocked the freezer with multiple bottles of liquor. The doorbell rang and a crowd of people walked in. The last person to come in was this beautiful blonde red lipped white teeth girl and my eyes and my legs followed her the whole way into the kitchen. I told her I liked her white watch. I had one just like it. I was in love. I was in lust. I was a victim waiting to be shot. And died I did.
Five years later we broke up. I was diagnosed with a rare cancer of the bone marrow in April of 2014. While we had our problems prior to my diagnosis, the sad truth is that eighty percent of relationships don't last once a diagnose like that is given. At least that's why my doctor told me. Is there truth in that? Well, I'd have to say yes.
Now I know what you're thinking. Why do you care so much about this girl when you almost and will most likely lose your life to this incurable cancer?? And I can't tell you that I know the answer to that.
There's no pill for heartbreak. There's no quick fix. My dad tells me "the only cure for love is to love again." I think he's trying to quote Thoreau or something. It never makes me feel any better. In fact, it's rare that many things do make me feel any better about it. I'm 31 years old. I've been in love before. I've been dumped before. There was something different about this one. She was with me during the hardest time in my life. A bone marrow transplant, a hip replacement, chemo, life and death stuff. The real stuff. I guess when all that happened, when we cried in each other's arms in the hospital room that night, when she told me she thought maybe she was my angel and all she wanted to do was take care of me, I believed her. I thought I would leave this earth and her blonde hair red lipped white teeth mouth would be the last thing I saw…instead the last I saw of her was the back of her head as she left the bar. We had our closure talk. She told me things like how she has a new amazing girlfriend and new job in a new city.
My dreams left with her in the tiny drift of air that closed between her and the bar door that night. Bang. The gun had gone off.
It's been almost six months since that day she broke up with me. I just left the movie theatre. Sometimes I like to go to the movies alone so I can get lost in a story that isn't my own for once. To step out of my life for a couple of hours and lose myself in the darkness of a movie theatre, horrible music, and a cheesy love story. I think that's something everyone can understand. I think that's why I like coming to the coffee shop. Just being around other people sometimes, even strangers, can make you feel not so alone in the world.
Also, Netflix. There is something so incredible about 90s teen dramas that were too smart for their time but now only really make a lot of sense. Take Felicity for example. I've learned so much from her over the last couple of days. First of all, what is it about these shows that make you feel like love is only possible in your small realm of friends. And if it doesn't work out with this person maybe you'll run back to the other person. I don't think that's a very accurate example of how love goes. There are billions of people in this world, felicity! Get out there. Meet a guy that doesn't live in a dorm room in NYC. Felicity also taught me to be stronger. To be smarter. To think about things. So now every time I do something I have this inner monologue and I find myself using her words like "oddly enough" "dear Sally". Haha. Actually I don't think it's the TV show at all that is making me realize all these things. I think it's just the buffer between me and the time that it's gonna take to move on from the ache I've felt in my heart.
I can't say that I'm "over it" or that I have a hot new girlfriend. I can't say that I'm completely happy. Yet. But I can say that I'm in remission from my cancer. I can say that having a therapist helps. Friends definitely help. The idea that I will love again really helps too. It's only when you are truly certain that something exists that you'll find it again. And thanks to my ex, I know that it exists. I'll always miss her. I do right now. But as I look around this coffee shop I think everyone misses someone. But we go on living and we wait in line for our next drink 🙂